A post from Amy called "Irony"

http://adventurewagon.blogspot.com/2011/12/irony.html

I am posting this from Amy because this sums up how I've been feeling recently:

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Irony

It can be quite startling and often disturbing (as it should be) when you get a glimpse of the monster in the mirror.  This “monster” may be bitterness, anger, irritation, pride, resentment… and the list can go on and on, but whatever it is, it seems to come from a deep hidden part of the heart that is deceptively concealed behind all the nice and pleasant characteristics and then presents itself in an unexpected moment.

Over the last year and a half it seems like I have faced this monster more than I would like to admit, more than the rest of my life put together. Feelings that I didn’t know I could harbor have surfaced. Feelings that are normally attributed to violent people crop up making me reconsider who I really am and causes me to wonder what damage I am actually capable carrying out.

As I have come to serve people specifically here in Haiti for this time period of my life I have realized that I am not as kind of a person that I thought I was.  I am not as loving or giving as I could be. I am not nearly as quick to serve as I should be when I am faced with someone else’s comfort over my own. I am not as gentle or sincere as is necessary to connect with others. We came to Haiti to make a difference and to help people, but I have found that I am faced with a dilemma. I don’t love people the way I should.

A couple days ago I was faced with this reality on a more personal level, and it hurt to see how callous I can be. A few months back I had employed a few teenage boys to help pick up trash around the hospital and do some grunt work for a couple days. Most of them worked half-heartedly and showed up late, so I tried to teach them some work ethic since most of them had probably never done much work in their lives. I had given my phone number to one of the boys, Ezekiel, who worked every day and he would randomly call to see if I had any work for him.

A few days ago Ezekiel called me again. I didn’t pick up the phone as there are several of the boys that call several times a week and I just couldn’t be bothered by them at the moment. It took too much effort to try and understand them over the phone and so I just ignored it. Besides, I was busy. I was in the middle of a project that I have been putting off for months--putting a slideshow together to raise awareness about the needs of the hospital and all it’s hurting people. In fact, I had just typed into the google search bar “songs that talk about people in need” to go along with the picture presentation when Ezekiel called for about the 5^th time. I finally answered simply so he would stop calling and cryptically answered “bonjour.”

He only speaks creole but I was able to make out from his pitiful tone and a few words here and there that he was hungry. I felt bad, but practically everyone is hungry here. Just because he calls doesn’t mean that I need to respond, or does it? I honestly didn’t want to give him money and all the food that I had needed to be cooked so I just wanted to say that I couldn’t help him, but I could if I stopped what I was doing. If I really wanted to I could take 5 minutes out of my day and find something for him. Then the irony hit me. Here I was trying to put together a presentation for people in America to get them to help, and here I was with a young boy right in front of me that I was about ready to brush off simply because I couldn’t be bothered.

I found a coupon for him to get bread at the market and ended up finding 50 gourdes (just over $1) so he could buy a lunch. I was still annoyed at this point, although now the annoyance was equally distributed between being bothered about being interrupted and annoyed at my heartless attitude. Through it all even though I knew it was probably the right thing to do, I didn’t just automatically react in love. Even after I decided I would help him I didn’t spontaneously have love bubbling out of me. Even when I gave him the small gift it took everything I had to try and be understanding and take the extra time to connect with him, rather than rushing to give it to him and move on.

I ended up helping him, but it was probably more out of a guilty conscious than genuine love and well-being for his health. I know that I can’t give food and money to every single person that needs it, but no matter what happens or who I encounter I want my first reaction to be love.  I realized how heartless I can be to someone in need, and I didn’t like my reaction.  I also realized that I can’t just muster love up. I can pretend, but to have the genuine thing…that is a gift. A gift that truly only comes from God, because God is Love. I want that love. I need that love to transform my life.

Thankfully God promises to give us this gift of love and to remove our stony heart and replace it with his lovely Spirit. Thanks be to God! There is hope!

“Then I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean. Your filth will be washed away, and you will no longer worship idols. And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart.”

Ezekiel 36:25-26

Notice another irony: the text is found in the book of Ezekiel.

-Amy

My first (couple) solo tap-tap rides in Haiti

Today marked a couple new adventures for me. I didn't want to spend a ridiculous amount of money on transportation so I decided to do public transportation by myself with a help of a friend or two to send me on my way.  First time by myself.

I got the pleasure of visiting my Compassion girl (almost woman) Gamide again. It started Monday morning (December 5th) with Richard dropping me off at the public bus station near downtown to catch a bus to go past the boat duck, Caries. I was put in the front of the car while other drivers came saying I would pay less with them. Hehe, fighting over me. The ride was smooth, but we did stop to change a flat tire. The guy beside me was quiet the entire time until the very end. He wrote me a little pick-up note on his phone. Thankfully, we were close to my stop so the bus ride was not too awkward for as long. Then, I rode a fly-boat over just fine.

When I got on a small fly boat to return to the main island today (Tuesday, December 6th), I started to get nervous when it already had too many people and the driver wouldn't leave until they found 2 more people. (To understand this, you need to know about a previous boat experience I had in Haiti. I don't think I shared my previous boat experience in July returning from La Gonave to the main island. In the early morning apparently the water is a little rougher. It was the first time I went to visit La Gonave and Wilshaw was with me. There was too much weight and the guy was driving way too fast. We were hitting the waves so hard it brought the front feet off the water many feet and it felt like landing on cement. We had to hold on so tight but were constantly falling back. I stood up once to threw a bag out of the way and almost fell over. It was probably one of the most dangerous things I've ever done. Everyone was thanking the Lord we got out of the boat alive and poor Grandma could barely walk and was throwing up).

Anyway, the 2nd time I went the boat rides were fine. But I was not looking for another crazy boat ride like that again, so I switched boats (to the other boat that other people were getting into because they weren't getting on that crazy over packed boat). The driver saw and said "well now we have to wait for 3 people to get on this boat before we can leave." Then a couple people were upset and told me to get back on the boat, nothing is going to happen. So anyway, I choose to stay on the 2nd boat and it got there safely and he drove fine. He must have sensed my concern for safety, so he made sure to shake my hand and was proud to show that he drove "nicely".

Then, Beatrice's dad picked me up at the boat duck and we got on 2 tap-tap's to his house. I got to spend a couple hours with my patient, Beatrice, and her family. I got a delicious meal and some fruits to go home. Then, they stopped an already stuffed tap-tap (but all of them were) and put me on it. Beatrice's family gave me the names of the stops I needed to get off and how much money each ride was. As you can image, blans don't ride the tap-taps too often, so a couple people were interested in what I was doing. They even had people change places so I could sit (very nice of them...they said they were getting off soon). And they were going to make sure I got to the next stop and someone put me on the next tap-tap I needed. Another young man got on the bus that was studying economics. So he started having more "intellectual" conversations with another guy on the bus about Haiti being underdeveloped and the reasons for it. And then they started on a rather long conversation about a big problem of females wearing short skirts. Finally, this young man asks the man he's being have most of the conversation with, what nationality I am and if I speak Kreyol. Well, then when he found out I spoke Kreyol, he had to ask my opinion about the whole situation. It was nice to hear some thought-provoking talks about their country.

Well, the guy held his word and got me on the next tap-tap and rode it himself. We rode upfront this time (wow we got our own normal about of space)...Hehe the literally fill over nick and crany in those buses. It's funny when the driver stops and everyone complains there's no more space, why are we stopping? Well somehow, we find more space when the driver yells at us to move it and make more room. The young man then got me on the 3rd tap-tap I needed to take me to Bon Repos (the part that my friend Robenson and Elisabeth live) before he took off on another tap-tap he needed. Once again, we had to get off the bus so they could change a flat tire (so 2 out of the 8 tap-taps I rode got flat tires. That's a pretty high percentage). I found the street and got off. I just walked to their house because it only took about 8 minutes.

I played some games with the children until Elisabeth got home. It's the last time I'll see them for a long time so I soaked up the time with them and baby Donna. It's unfortunate I didn't have time to go up to L'estere, but I really couldn't take another day off of work. So Robenson drove me to Sondy (one of the patients that was here awhile) neighbor. His dad picked me up. It was close to 5pm so I didn't get very long with Sondy. I had to start heading back because the sun was setting.

So, since I didn't know which bus to take once I arrived downtown to get to the other bus stop downtown (and it would be dark), Sondy's dad got on the big school bus with me. It wasn't bad except of all the traffic. But, boy was it hilarious when the lady stood up to sell drugs. Lots of funny stories. 1) She told the guy sitting in front of her to put his money in his pocket instead of holding in his hand because it was making her "hot". 2) Her first drug to sell was a drug only by prescription in the states, metrondizaole (an antibiotic). She was giving her lists of infections that you need to take this drug (instead of seeing a doctor to basically just self diagnosis). The main reason was for a vaginal infection that women easily get because they urinate over a latrim and then the bacteria gets in. Then when they have sex, it passes to the male. She described, in detail, the male symptoms it gives. 3) Her 2nd choose of drug of course was a prescription only pain medication. 3) Then she got to vitamins. For the multivitamin, she said we don't get all the fruits & vegetables we need. So you need to take your vitamin. And then she added in that for males to have a good erection, they need their vitamin (she only got 1 buyer on that statement, although I'm sure she was looking for more). 4) A bunch of other random stuff, but she ended on some type of lotion that does many things, but one of them being to make your skin whiter. I would have liked to know what was in it! Kind of scary. 5) She only ended up selling that pack of vitamins and a ointment for rash

So anyway, it was just very amusing and gave my mind something else to do to take my mind off the traffic! I never drove to work and always lived less than 15 minute walk to work, so this concept of traffic is ridiculous to me!!

We finally got downtown at about 6:30pm, and he put me on the tap-tap to take me to Portay (where I pick the last of 6 tap-taps to return to my home). They were amused by the Kreyol-speaking Blan and actually didn't make me pay because they wanted to just be friends. Hey, whatever, but I told them I wasn't giving them my number. So they directed me to a quieter bus to get on. Of course, the bus didn't want to stop so I leaped on the moving bus with my bag!

Up until then, I was having pleasant experiences feeling lots of the Haitian love. Enjoying the scenery and just being a "commoner". I was laughing because the one guy on the bus that was asking me about the problem of girls wearing short skirts spoke Kreyol the whole time. But then on the road he started speaking some English. So I asked him to speak Kreyol so I don't stand out so much. His response was "Well, everyone knows you're a blan already." but he switched to Kreyol anyway. After he said it, it did have me laughing!

Anyway, the last and final bus was the only time I had a rude person. The guy sitting across from me wanted 5 goudes. I told him no, he didn't give me any service. It's not good to teach Haitians that anytime there is a blan you can ask them for money and they'll give it. This is a huge problem, especially in PaP. So then, I bought 3 dlo sache (3 little water sacks) for 5 goudes. The one fell on the ground, but I was busy rearranging everything and couldn't see it. So the guys mentioned one of the waters fell so I asked them to pick it up for me. The one did but was taunting me and was going to take it without my consent. So I reached over and grabbed it out of his hand. Then, the weller off looking Haitian behind him who was saying "give me water" in his broken English decided he wanted to prove a point. So he bought water and gave it to the lady (who appeared to be his wife) beside him and the other guy who was begging for things as well. Then he said (in Kreyol) "Haitians know how to give good service"(or something along those lines); which I had a lot I could have said, but decided it wasn't worth it. So I ignored him and he let it go. They were teasing me at the end saying don't forget anything now! Ugh....this is why I need to get out of the city.

It upset me, but I decided I couldn't let those 2 men ruin my good day. So here, I arrived after 1 boat, 8 tap-taps, 1 motorcycle, and walking.About 5 hours of traveling. How good that shower felt, even if it was cold! And, how it dawned on me, I just rode most of those tap-taps by myself from St. Marc to Bon Repos and then to Carrefour. Only 4 men asked for my number, but none of them got it of course. No close-call accidents. I got the fair price without arguing. Just an experience to see what it's like to have to rely on public transportation in Haiti. I think you many things about a country from it's public transportation.