Week 10

7/11/10 (1630)

Well, it's week 10 already! Thank You God for Your mercy and grace on us in Haiti. The storm could have been much worse, but You moved the eye of the storm and slowed it down. You allowed the wedding to carry on yesterday.

I have been bad at taking time to sit down with You in communion these last couple of days. We've been on the go! Thursday and Friday I spent most of the day with Elisabeth and her family. I didn't take my camera because I was trying just fit in like a Haitian. Although Friday I wish I would have brought my camera because Elisabeth wanted pictures of her getting ready.

A large group of her friends were there on Thursday practicing a dance for the wedding. I met her mom and sisters. They are so loving and giving! It was fun helping them cook. Actually I was more learning than helping. It is just amazing what you can do and make with so little. Mwen pi remen bagay bwe se ji la Grenadia (my favorite thing to drink is the juice Passion Fruit). I made it this morning for everyone. Yum!

It was just exciting to use my Kreyol this couple days. It was funny because I was the translator at times for Donna. Like Mac said, the key is to try to the gist of what they are saying even if you can't understand every word. It's just so wonderful to be able to communicate with the local people. I think at times it takes people by surprise that I can speak it (of course I'm not even close to fluency).

It was funny because they tied up the chickens and roasters. I guess that was a wedding gift from Elisabeth's parents. I was scared of them pecking my feet they kept on cooking with them right below their feet. Elisabeth has 8 (she did have 9 but one passed). They seem like a loving family and the brothers seem to take care of their sisters well. They all seem to want to speak English too, so I was helping them with that. Robenson came to get me before the dinner finished on Thursday, so God bless the family because they walked 30 minutes with the food in a wheelbarrow to bring us it to eat. I still want to do something very special for them because they gave us passion fruit and a mellon. So generous.

Friday, I went with Elisabeth to get her nails done. They looked beautiful afterwards, but I don't know if I'd want it done because there is no sanitization of equipment. And the fake nails were all just in a bucket (not packaged) and she was filing over the customers nails over the bucket so it the fake nails were all dusty. Well in my concept I guess. But she did do a good job with the nails.

It was fun watching Elisabeth and her sisters try on each others clothes. The whole family is very beautiful, but the sisters all look so different! I can say that I really like Elisabeth- she is a beautiful person inside and out. She was very protective of me on the streets. Being a blan (foreigner/white) on the street draws a lot of attention. But I felt very safe with her. We were into all types of little neighbors- that was neat. I have no pictures of it, but just the wonderful memory. We were getting her hair done past sunset and it was funny because I kept my flashlight on just so she wouldn't mess up her painted toenails. But people automatically assumed that I was a blanc because of the flashlight. They mostly use candles, but just walk in the dark.

I was saddened over the fact that Robenson has not been the nicest to Elisabeth this week. Elisabeth told me Friday night as I was waiting to be picked up that she was sad. It broke my heart and all I knew to do was to pray with her. I tried to pray slow so she could understand some if it. She gave me the most genuine hug and kiss afterwards. I would like to stay close to her these next couple of months. Help her with her English and she can teach me how to cook Haitian food. And just grow closer as friends.

I think women are seen more as servants in the marriage here. But I've been told they pretty much have to get married for need of protection since rap is so high. I guess if a women lives by her self, she will most likely get raped. I guess infidelity among married men (even Christian men) is high, but there is nothing these women can do about it. And apparently it's not talked about among women because it's happening to most women. That breaks my heart.

I can see why educating women can solve problems. I wouldn't say I'm a feminist, but I do not believe God designed women to be man's servant/slave or for women to be mistreated. We were made to be the other half- the helper, partner. God told man to take care of his wife and love her like Christ loves the church. And women to respect and submit to their husband. Ephesians 5:22-33. So I lift up this marriage to you that it will be lead by Your example, Jesus.

The wedding morning, Elisabeth mom came over and cleaned the house. I tried to help because I felt bad that she wasn't getting ready! I was told that Elisabeth's family stayed up all night to cook food for the reception. And the food was delicious! Now that is love. And to think the reception was so short. The wedding was supposed to start at 10am but Haitian weddings never start on time apparently and were were waiting for Robenson's Uncle and Aunt to arrive from the States. We got to the church at 1030 and there were like 3 guests hehe. I guess no one expects it to start on time. It started around 1pm.

Well, it gave me time to meet a Haitian who played the piano. So we practiced the songs so he would play with me. Robenson had me on the program 2 times so I sang/played "Be Thou My Vision" and "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing." I didn't even worry about being nervous because I was doing it as a favor to them. I told me earlier in the week he wanted me to sing, and then the morning of I noticed I was on the program 2 times so I had to pick another song. It was my first singing solo. I think I'd rather play flute solos and sing in the choir. I have a good choir soprano voice, but nothing that stands out as solo worthy.

Haitian wedding ceremonies apparently are more like a production so it lasted 2 or 3 hours. It started with a long procession- a dance, the 3 girls dressed in wedding gowns, the children, the mom's, the groom, and then the father & bride. They sat in chairs up front. The best part was the 10-minute pep talk and cheers from the crowd before the kiss. Everyone was really into that part, it made me laugh. There was a choir and other singers. They had 2 vow exchanges, prayers, scripture readings, and lots of mini sermons to prepare them. Although there was no exit processional. It just ended and people headed to the reception. One thing I noted about not having just one photographer was people would stand right in vision site to get photos (and not move lol) so luckily Donna was up front so she got some good photos.

Oh, random thought again. One of Elisabeth's guy friends knows some English I think only through R&B and rap songs. So he was asking me to buy him some food, but putting the "F" word in like every other word. I don't think he really knew how strong that word is so I told him he shouldn't be using that word because it's not very nice. He said OK. He started using swear words at the reception too, so I asked him please not to speak to me like that. I wouldn't never do that back home to someone my age, but he took my advice and then wanted a photo with me lol.

We all ate and socialized some at the reception, but only for 1 hour or less. We left early, around 4:30 pm and went to the hotel. Except Robenson went off driving people back home so I hung out with Elisabeth until he arrived back at 9pm. We watched music videos, talked, and enjoyed the leftovers. Donna and I got to pillow chat some then before bedtime. I've really enjoyed getting to know Donna. Wayne is a nice guy too and I'm glad he could come see Haiti.

It got frustrating at times during the week, but that happens on vacations when your around each other non stop for a week. Plus the stress of preparing for the wedding. Donna and I kind of think that the two of them really don't know each other and so they are just starting to see each others' personalities. But the both were smiling the morning after the wedding, so that was good to see.

I went to their house and helped clean up and make passion fruit juice. I've decided I'm taking advantage of all the fruits and vegetables here that I cannot get back home (or they are super expensive). Plus then I'm supporting the Haitian businesses.

Oh, funny story too because I wanted purple earrings for the wedding. So Elisabeth took me to a stand and it wasn't exactly what I liked but I had to get it after she told the seller she was trying to charge me way too much. So the price dropped from 15 gourdes to 7 gourdes. Most Haitians will not stand up for foreigners when they are getting overcharged, but I think she did because she sees me as a good friend. I appreciate that and I think I'll do all my shopping with her!

It was a nice welcome back today because everyone was genuinely excited to see me. I guess there was tension this week. I'm glad to have Marc and Brian (the American architect) because otherwards I don't think I would enjoy it as much. They are good spiritual support, want to work as a team, and fun to be around. We did pilates together tonight. And we went out shopping. So much to do, so little time. I have been getting away from studying my Kreyol every night so I need to do that. But I pray for unity in our work tomorrow and that we will be leading our patients to You.

8/11/10 (1248)

I am glad for a functioning body to work. Eyes, ears, and a mouth to communicate. Knowledge to serve as a nurse. And for the ability to be able to slowly learn the language. I mostly hope to impact the women and children. Especially after learning about all the infidelity, I just have be even extra cautious about my interactions with men. But of course, I still need the male translators to translate and help me learn the language.

10/11/10(1307)

It dawned on me that no matter how many of the world's most magnificent world wonders you see, it won't even compare to what Heaven will be like. So for those people who will never get the opportunity to travel, they need not to be too disappointed if they have accepted Jesus as Lord and Savior because they will one day get to live in the most perfect place imaginable.

Today's lesson about Caleb's willingness to stand up tall in Numbers 13 really touched my heart (after 12 Israelite men search the promise land of Canaan and they see it is exceedingly good. But they are discouraged because of lack of faith in God's promise that they can conquer the land). The point brought up that it is very hard to be in opposition to what the large crowd is doing or saying (ie cheering for the opposite sports team if you are in a crowd) is so true. So in this story when everyone is grumbling and weeping, Caleb courageously stands up and announces the promises of God. I like that he did not argue or insult, but just asks the people to trust God and take action.

It's so true that he would have been so upset that he has to wait 40 years to enter the promise land because of other mens' sins and unfaithfulness, but he still stuck with the community and encouraged them. I know when trouble arouses in our own home church (whether sin, lack of faith, or disagreement), it's hard to stick with it. Not saying that we always need to stay, but maybe there are times we can stay and work it out. But it will be frustrating and hard at times and that's why it's easier to just move on. Grant us the wisdom to know the right thing to do in those situations.

I feel more back in the swing of things here. Finding my place and enjoying the patients/co-workers. There are so many little things that I will be different to adjust back to in the states: 1) Here I carry a vial of morphine (narcotic) on me. 2)Signing surgical consent is optional. 3) I often function as a nurse practitioner for minor things (like bowel regimen) & whatever else is needed (charge nurse, floor nurse, organize supplies). 4)The relaxed work atmosphere. 5) For the majority, the co-workers are nice and not arrogant or clicky. 6)Flexible work hours. 7) The patient's family doing half of the nursing care (for example, there is not a recovery room, so the patient in placed in the room and the family members do most of the watching, baths, turning/repositioning, etc). 8) Israel Park's loud music every night (he has a little bar down the street and there's no noise violation laws) and the school's music every morning across the street. 9) Ice cold showers (no matter how hot I am, it never feels good!). 10) the warm weather (at the point I return in February, I will not have felt a temperature below 70 degrees for almost 10 months). 12) the beautiful mountains and ocean. 13) the language!

Things I will not miss: 1) Mosquitoes. 2) All the trash all over the place. 3) All the unwanted attention from men. 4) The cold showers! All in all, I'm so glad to be in Haiti. I might not be doing anything grand or fix Haiti's problems, but it's just a learning experience for me more than what I can actually provide. Like the Pastor said this morning, we are all still a work in progress by God so we need to be patient with each other.

13/11/10 (1535)

I am so thankful for this sabbath day. Even though I ended up working taking care of patients past sunset, we then had bible study again on the roof. It was just what we all needed and the topic just flowed together. Even though we can't all leave the campus yet to live elsewhere, it's nice to have the roof to be a place to get away. It's cool up here and the view is breath taking. You can see the ocean and mountains. Lots of trees! And it's a good spot to watch the sunset and then gaze at the stars.

The week ended up with happy and frustrating moments. Thursday I spent half an hour sitting outside with Sondy (our 12-year old boy patient with an ex-fix and wound vac on his one leg that is shorter than the other). It was just so joyous because he hasn't been able to get around by himself now that he has the wound vac. He's been in the hospital 2 months now. He uses crutches to walk. So I could tell how happy he was for that moment. He also told me he is happy that I can speak Kreyol with him. And earlier on Thursday, Elinor and I were dancing in Mama's room (the 17- year old paralyzed patient). It's like moments like that that make your day and the patient's day. I hope they see God through it!

I'm learning to not be so uptight but just to go with the flow at work. It's fun to joke around at work and have fun with the patients. I couldn't do that back home at my last nursing job most of the time so it's taking time for me to learn to do that again! Unfortunately, all our long term pediatric patients have dwindled down to just Sondy. Friday was his birthday, but the little girl that shared his room left that morning. Sondy's parents rarely come in and so that girl's mom was the one caring for him and feeding him. So we came into his room Friday morning he was crying because he was all alone. It was the saddest thing! So the physical therapist's got him a wheelchair so he could get around by himself and we placed a patient in his room because he didn't want to be by himself.

Another moment that touched me with him is that I told him he could come listen to us practice singing on Thursday evening. I almost forgot to get him until close to when we were done. So I ran upstairs to get him and when I got in the room, he automatically put down his food and was ready to go. I'm so glad I didn't forget because that promise meant a lot to him. I'm learning that it's little things like this that count the most sometimes.

I thought I would be done early on Friday because we had no doctors, but unfortunately I didn't get done early so I didn't get to see Melissa or Elisabeth. A bunch of patients left though, so it was nice to have a calmer day. The new team just arrived in the last hour and I can already tell it's going to be a crazy week. But I'm thankful that the plastic surgeon is willing to remove my mole.

So I'm going to use this evening to watch up with Wilshaw and family. Sometimes I feel like I'm always on the go! It's nice to slow it down sometimes. Too much to do, so little time. I'm going to take some time out tomorrow to shop and cook food. I've lost 10 pounds already and I don't really want to lose anymore!

So some unfortunate news is that the Haitian government has been hiding the real number of cholera cases. They have been reporting less to the world than what the real number is. So far I've heard at least 12,000 cases and about 900 deaths. It's spreading all over Haiti like wildfire. And it's getting tense too because of the election coming up soon. In Gonaives this week, 50 cadaver bodies were burned in front of the Mayor's house.

Today, we talked as a team and that was good. It's what we needed because there hasn't always been teamwork. And it's unfortunate to see that the blancs and Haitians don't always work together. Marc has told me that many short term nurses (American) have been degrading to the Haitian nurses and doctors. Ugh...I don't know why we do that as Americans sometimes! Well, anyway that's all for now!

Week 9

1/11/10 (0810)

I just realized I never finished my thought from Saturday. All in all, I was just upset about how rude and cunning this one person was to me on Saturday. But I have to let it go and not let the devil use these tactics to discourage me. I had such a spiritual filling Friday evening and I'm finally feeling fit in at this new place. I am with Donna and Pastor Robenson now for the week. Donna brought the box from my mom and I'm so thankful to have a bible study book again (I finished my other one). I am going to enjoy this one because we are studying background characters in the Old testament that don't always get as much attention but have a lot to teach us. They might not have as much written about them but they all had a place and purpose in God's time line. And that's how my life is- just a minor person in life but I still have my purpose.

Forgive me for wasting precious time by putting my selfish needs and desires over others unnecessary unmet needs. Forgive any bad thoughts or words about some of the American nurses. Allow me to bear with them in love. Forgive me for my sin of omission and laziness at times. Thank You for forgiving me and washing me clean. For another day to be alive and serve. Please fill me with the Holy Spirit to be able to do this. Help me to overcome difficulties and not get discouraged by it.

It was so exciting because I understand a little bit at church yesterday!! Yesterday we were driving around seeing things, but I was getting hungry. So as we were leaving the University to get food, Pastor stopped to just say hi to the Pakistan U.N. Well they wanted pictures with us and then offered us some of their food. The food was delicious!

Being here at the rented orphanage house is a reminder to how most Haitians lives-no car, only electricity occasionally, no running water, and very little money. But they keep going despite the heat, sufferings, hurt, and feelings of hopelessness at times. May You fill their void and give them hope. May the right President be put in place to make a change for the better.

Last night we cooked rice, beans, and sardines. It was so interesting because the generator would turn on/off based on how much power we were using and when the gas ran out. The lights would dim if we plugged something else in. We have circuit overload and occasionally lose power for a couple hours but we don't usually have to worry about having enough electricity to make dinner. But it was a delicious meal to share together.

If it weren't for the crazy amount of mosquitoes overnight, I would be sleeping well despite sleeping on the floor. Donna and her friend Wayne are nice and I'm glad to have this week to spend with them. It will take time, but I pray for this orphanage to get the funding that it needs. I praise You for the nice car You have provided for us. I praise You that enough money has been raised to send 15 of the orphans to school. Well, it's time to head up to see the children today.

2/11/10 (0933)

It was such a joy to be able to communicate more with the children. And to be able to talk to the caretakers. I wish it was easier to drive up to see the children, but renting a car costs way too much and the buses are not safe. I could ride the tap-tap in town, but I don't know about out of town. Plus I couldn't ride by myself. The general role of thumb is foreigners get charged double the actual cost. So I try to get my Haitian friends to buy things on the street for me. I had some street vendor food yesterday and it was good!

Wayne brought the kids 2 soccer balls and they loved it. I played a circle hand game with them again too. Then at dusk, I sat down and they all crowded around me- speaking to me in Kreyol and helping me practice the alphabet, playing my hair, and singing. This rejuvenates my desire to speak Kreyol because being able to talk to them makes a big difference. Kids will be kids at times, but overall these children are well behaved.

It was much cooler last night and I slept well! The weather is very nice today (Li fe bon jodia). Not too hot or humid. Donna and I shared the bed last night and I think I slept better because of that. I sleep better with someone in the room or house. I can see why little kids don't like to sleep by themselves. We left at 6am the next morning because Elisabeth had to be back to shop for the wedding. It's only a 2-hour ride with a good car and not much traffic. So it would probably be 4 hours to Limbe and 5-6 hours to Cap Haitian. The bus is cheaper than the plane, but can't risk it with the crazy driving.

I'm disappointed the election got pushed to Sunday, November 28^th because that is the weekend I wanted to return to Limbe. I still pray that You will arrange it for me to talk to Steve James. Yesterday and today are holidays (Day of the Dead) so no school or government businesses are open. I am hoping that I can get my fingerprint done at the U.S. Embassy!

4/11/10 (0747)

I am thankful for this week to rest, relax, and reflect but Lord also prepare for this big storm coming in. I am glad for this cooler weather, but I pray for Your mercy on Haiti. It has been going through a lot throughout history- but especially in the last year with the earthquake and now cholera outbreak. A bad hurricane would be detrimental.

I am thankful for all that we were able to accomplish yesterday. Even though the U.S. Embassy said they would not do my fingerprint (I said they would not, but I am sure there is someone that is capable), and it was frustrating but I have to let it go. We saw the organization Food for the Poor- it's a pretty big, but organized place. Donna is a speaker for the organization, so she wanted to see how they operated.

We drove all over PaP- we went up unto the mountains where the rich Haitians live. It was a neat view of PaP, but very different environment. You could tell it was the lifestyle of the well-off. We even saw a Porsche dealership. I'm not sure where you would drive a nice car around PaP.

We drove back to downtown for the big market in PaP around 4pm. I'll admit I was a little frustrated that we had to go back out because I was asking the Pastor to stop when we saw what we needed as we were driving back so we wouldn't have to go back out into the traffic. But he wasn't really listening to what I was asking. But, I got over it and it was fun to interact with a 4-year old that rode in the car on the way back. Robenson used the car as a tap tap on our way back home. I asked her to sing for me and she did. Her mom was very nice too and she said "God Bless You" on her way out. The only guy in the car told Servilus that he should only be taking women and children when I am in the car.

We enjoyed another wonderful meal of rice, beans and zaboka (avocado) and mango for desert. Yum! It was much cooler sleeping last night with the breeze and I didn't get eaten alive! It was nice to talk to my family and Wilshaw last night. The phone has been out of minutes so I couldn't call them before. Although the phone kept going in and out with the generator flickering.

Week 8

24/10/10

I am thankful for this day, peace about being here, people willing to help me learn the language,and the spiritual support. I am thankful for all that I'm learning and things I'm able to do. I thankful for instances like Friday night when Marc was singing with two of our long term children. I joined in and it was just so joyful to see the kids smile and to hear them sing.

I'm finding where my need is and learning to set my boundaries. Friday we had a unstable patient transferred from MSF (doctors without borders) who had an open book pelvis fracture and femur fracture from a motorcycle accident. The driver was killed when the motorcycle was hit by a car. They had to give him 2 units of blood and do an emergency surgery. They wanted a nurse to watch after him for 1-2 hours after surgery- so I did that and got him all settled in. It felt nice to do the floor nursing and get him all settled in. I checked on him before bed- the nurse hadn't done anything for him since I left and he had a high fever. So I gave him tylenol and his scheduled ancef antibiotic.

Then, yesterday, one of his family members who spoke English came to find me. He said the Haitian nurse was not doing her job. We asked the nurse about it and she said the patient wanted an American nurse (which is becoming a trend at times). They said I took good care of him last night- which I did because he was my only patient! We explained that the Haitian nurses are capable and need to be the ones who do the work. We foreigners are here to support them and help if needed. We are working alongside to improve the nursing care.

It's interesting/sad seeing how the good intentions are causing problems at times. 1) Prices are increasing for food, rent, etc because the (greedy) Haitians know foreigners can afford it, but now the Haitians are struggling to afford it and a lot of people can not afford to rent a place to live. 2) Some NGO's (non governmental organizations) are paying the Haitians way more than the average wage so it's causing problems with throwing off the economy (of course it's good intention) but the Haitian run places cannot afford to pay their employees that much. 3) There are a supplies sent that can not be used here (such as PCA pumps, central lumen kits) but we don't have enemas or bedpans! 4) A large amount of Haitians prefer foreign run medical care over Haitian run medical care (which is not good in the long run).

So, yes men can turn good intentions into greed. It's unfortunate but it's what sin does to people. But as my friend Mac said, “It would be easy to hate my country, but I cannot hate it. God knows me and loves me; and He made me Haitian. He has a plan for me and my country.” He said he doesn't work just to make money, but to serve God. He worked 6 or 7 days a week for free for 5 months after the earthquake. I can't even imagine doing that! God Bless him for that. He said he doesn't mind working more hours than he is supposed to because he is serving God. Also he doesn't mind being in a Seventh-day Adventist Hospital even though he belongs to the Baptist denomination because it is the same God (very true!) He doesn't mind taking time to help people like me learn Kreyol because his viewpoint is that we left our family, country and jobs to help his country. So that is his way of thanking us.

I am so glad for Haitians like him. He has an attitude we all can learn from at times. He just finished law school (all four years cost about $80 USD), but he wants to go back to pharmacy school in the USA if possible since the pharmacy schools here are not well yet. He works in the pharmacy at the hospital as a translator. Apparently he wanted to go to medical school but it is way to expensive for him (about $125 USD/month...which doesn't seem like a lot, but that's how much he makes per month as a translator. He gets $1,000 Haitian dollars per month, which is $125 USD). So you can see why going to medical school is not really feasible unless your parents have some money here.

It was so nice yesterday because we had an English church service and then we went to the University's English speaking service. It was my first English-speaking service in 2 months. It was just wonderful to sing and fellowship together. We all watched a sermon in the breakroom and then Mac helped me with my Kreyol. We all just hung out, joked around, and just relaxed Saturday evneing.

Today after they fixed the dirty water supply (lol it's almost impossible to get out of this hospital because something always goes wrong or there's an emergency), we finally made it out to Calico beach resort for Ken's last day in Haiti. I almost forgot I was in Haiti at the resort. It was nice because the people I went with are fun to be around. So I am definitly going to stay here but set my boundaries. It'll be nice when we move out of the hospital so it doesn't appear to people that we are available 24/7.

As always, driving was an interesting today. Both ways we had to slam on our brakes to barely miss cattle crossing the road. But, praise God I found my flute!!! I'm so glad to have it back. I haven't written in my journel in awhile. I'm just adjusting to the busier environment. There has been an outbreak of the worst strand of chorea near Saint March. I don't know the statistics now, but the first 2 days 1,500 people were infected and 150 died. There has been lots of actions to try to contain the disease and educate people (at church, cell phone text messages, and radio). But unfortunately it's in the main water stream. But I know You are mighty God and with You anything is possible.

Well, it's bedtime for a new work week. I thank You for these 2 days to rest, relax, and enjoy friends. It's much needed to keep me going during the week.

27/10/10 (1238)

I will rejoice and be glad in this day. God is the craftsman and I am designed to do good work in His name. But I need to stop worrying about what type of working I'm doing. I'm here to do what is needed- whether organizing supplies, floor nursing, census, education, holding a hand. Whatever Lord- and I cannot be anyone else. And yes I'll admit that I feel on the back burner with the other 2 American nurses and I don't feel as capable as them at times. But I know You have given me the talents and gifts to be a nurse. I guess it's weird because you come to Haiti knowing there is a lot of need and thinking you will make a big difference. But I think it's the individual differences that matter. Each individual person you have an opportunity to interact with and can make a positive impact on their life. I know how different my life will be after this time here.

Even though I'm frustrated at times and not sure what to do, I know God can use me for His greater purpose everyday if I let Him. I have to stop trying to do it my way, but hand it all over to God. It's true how confusing your life's purpose can seem without allowing God to guide you. I am so glad to be here and provide this time of my life here. And being here is forcing me to get out of my work comfort zone and tackle my weaknesses. It was easier to mask my weaknesses in my job back home, but here it's out in the open.

It's been nice to have patients recognize you and to have continual interaction with some of the same ones. I pray that they see You through me. The view from the hospital compound is amazing. It's going to be different going back home to cold weather and no palm & banana trees. Even though there are some things that bother me here, I am going to miss it here in Haiti.

The pediatric patients we have long term always make me smile and their hugs and kisses are always a nice touch to the day. Well it's time for touch. Mesi pou tout bagay Savior (Thank you for everything Savior).

28/10/10 (2200)

How fast times flies! Last night I experienced my first cardiac arrest. I was getting ready for bed when around 10pm they were yelling for more people to help with CPR. When I got down to the ER, they were lifting the patient (60 year old male) off of the bed and onto the floor to do chest compressions because there was no back board. He was also having a seizure. He was in DKA (diabetic ketoacidosis- basically his blood sugar was so high he was going into a coma). We got his heart beating again but he wasn't waking up. So they were ambu-baging him to give him air. In the meantime we were giving insulin, fluid resuscitation, vaso-constrictor drip, and potassium supplement. We don't have an ICU so we couldn't intubate him because the only hospital in PaP with an ICU was not answering their phone. But he went into cardiac arrest again and he wasn't coming out of it with medicine or CPR. So we pronounced him dead and put him back on the bed for the family to mourn.

I have only had 1 patient die on my shift before and it is a lot of paperwork. Unfortunately even if we did have an ICU, I don't think this guy would have made it. His family said he never wanted to see a doctor, so I think they couldn't convince him to come in. So he was brought in basically in a coma. I wish we had a Pastor there to talk with them but it was already 11pm at that point so the Pastor was at home. It was just so different- the fact that the first thing we would have done in America is intubate the patient. Not having a backboard for CPR and the crash cart was not stocked so we were running around for emergency needed supplies. And the electricty went out for a little while we were doing CPR. The family was just watching through the glass windows as we tried to save this guy's life on the floor.

But as someone pointed out, imagine how crazy it was right after the earthquake. I can't imagine the images and horror these people have been through. Yet, they have to keep moving forward. With all the laughter and fun the pediatric patients bring, you would never know of what they have been through and the injuries they are still battling with since the earthquake. I am excited that everyday I can talk more and more with them.

So last night really gave me a good perspective on things. No need to complain. Just enjoy the people and language. Use my skills and knowledge to do little things that I can. And yes I am glad for the times that I can get out. Yes, I miss being around my Haitian friends in the evenings, but there are lots of wonderful people that I am meeting here.

I am learning medically here on morning rounds from the doctors and physical therapists. The last 2 doctors have been very nice. God Bless this Doctor Rick because he was been here by himself this week. Doing 4-6 surgeries per day, morning rounds, and seeing 50-60 patients in the ortho clinic each day. And he still was nice at the end of it. But he said he has to be done by noon tomorrow because he is in the process of adopting Junior from Haiti.

I've been enjoying cooking and exercising with Marc and Brian. She's very knowledgeable and has a good personality for the job. She's hired here to work on continuing education and improving the nursing care. I admire her knowledge, courage, straightforwardness, and seeing the bigger picture. She's a good nurse to have here for a year, especially since she speaks the language.

29/10/10 (2204)

Father, I don't know why I distrust You at times. I have felt confused at times as to my role here but there are so many instances You have proven Yourself and are showing me. I was thinking about Monday when we all made pasta together. We had bread and butter with the pasta. Mac, the 24 year old translator I have spoken about before, had never had butter before so he was hesitant at first, but he tried it. It's just a staple in the American diet, but here it is more of luxury because you need a fridge to store it.

Today was a much calmer work day. We were short a doctor this week so Dr. Rick was busy. So minor things I handled by myself. The bad pelvic and femur fracture guy (Metelo) that I spoke about before was having low grade temps so I checked an urine sample and he ended having an UTI (urinary tract infection). So were started him on antibiotics. I am thankful for the knowledge you have provided me. I will say that I am going to learn a lot here. For basic things, I am going to have to be more independent (like bowel regimen). But I would never do anything I didn't know. Dr. Rick said he thinks that all long term nurses here should become Nurse Practitioners or PA's. He really appreciated me for functioning more like a PA because he was really busy.

I forgot to mention that the electricity stops in between power switching to another generator. So that happens a couple times a day but it's only for 10 seconds or less usually. For the most part we have running water and electricity. It only goes out every once in awhile. I found a wonderful shelf for my belongings today. I feel more settled in now.

I let Marc (the Haitian American nurse) trim my hair tonight with the nursing scissors. We couldn't find any other scissors. It actually looks good even though the blade was dull. It feels nice to have the hair off my neck again. It was growing! It was great- we cut my hair on the balcony overlooking the beautiful mountain and sunset. Then after the sunset, we had a small group singing, studying the bible, and singing. It was just so wonderful to be outside to worship staring at the stars, mountains, and ocean. And the lesson on Mark 8:21 about God washing the guys eyes 2x was what we studied. It really helped me to refocus on the suffering truly going on in Haiti; how we need to stay focused on our mission; and that we need to not be lackadaisical about our work here. There is a lot that needs to be done- and the most important thing no matter what our job title is is to witness and share God with the people.

That's what we, as Christians, need to do until we die or Jesus returns (whatever comes first). God wants us to be His body on earth. Even though I'm in Haiti and near all the tragic stories, it's easy to just block out the suffering. Especially because I cannot fully communicate with the people. It was a reality check that I cannot be so selfish with my time. Yes I don't need to burn myself out, but I can do what I can while I'm working. And I can have fun doing it. Almost everyone speaks Kreyol with me because I told them I want to learn it. I was very business like at work back home, so I'm slowly letting that guard down and enjoy myself while I work. So it's taken me sometime to adjust and find my way but I am ready!

And I can't forget to be thankful for all that I have- clean water in the midst of cholera outbreak and food. I lift up this hospital, Grace Orphanage, and Gamide. I lift my family and friend's prayers. In Christ's name I ask all these things.

30/10/10 (1036)

I am turning to You Lord when I am frustrated with someone instead of allowing the devil to take hold of my emotions...

Week 7

17/10/10 (1132)

Bonjour Savior! The days can get so busy, but I need to take time everyday in studying, prayer, and quiet time. I don't want to be so busy that I miss out on what matters. I need to daily die to myself and sinful desires, and instead let the Holy Spirit lead me. So I am taking this day to spend time with You & friends, study Kreyol, and rest my body. I hope I'm not being selfish. It's a little crazy how much they want to work! I'm used to working 3 long days, not 6 days! But Lord, there are so many Haitians in need of a job. They would like to work. Being here is giving me a different perspective on life. Help me to find my nitch to plug in and to connect. Life can easily feel empty and meaningless at times when we lose sight of You, but You give us hope and joy even in the gray of life.

Well, guide me today to do whatever You ask me to do. I lift up the health care system in Haiti, jobs, the sick, the homeless, and the orphans. This is a daily reality that you can't get away from in Haiti (well I guess you can but not as easily as in America). I pray for peace in the upcoming election. Lord, there is so much need, but the most important need if the truth of Jesus. I lift up those preaching or sharing the gospel.

17/10/10 (2306)

I thank You, God, for this day. The wonderful people I'm meeting. I am so glad that I have met Denise. She has so many connections in Haiti! We left for the beach at 1pm- and after much traffic & detours we arrived at 1530. What I noticed is that I'm recognizing places in Haiti now. We drove back a different way and I remember the gas station I ate at and the street Pastor Robenson lives on. Exciting!

It was a crowded local rocky beach. Nice to cool off because it was hot today. We enjoyed a wonderfully prepared Haitian meal. We watched the sunset and then headed back home in the private tap-tap. Funny stories- there was no bathroom so we had to squat on the cement floor in the women's bathroom because there was no where private to go. The driver was going 90 mph (literally because I looked at the gauge). We were stopped by the Haitian police to examine our passengers because apparently a bunch of prisoners escaped from jail during the political demonstrations and shootings today. But they let us go because our driver was not Haitian and did not speak English (he was from the Dominican Republic). We ended up driving by a political speech, but it was only talking at that times.

I loved the fact that I could understand the slogan “wi nou kapab” (Yes we can). And that I could ask the orphan boy sitting beside me some questions in Kreyol. I think he loved it and it was very exciting for me. Unfortunately, 3 people drowned in the flood yesterday (they were sleeping in the tents & the rain water pulled them under). It's been storming like crazy here- the roads are flooded bad. I praise you Lord for somewhere dry to sleep off of the ground. So I lift up those in tents!

Man, PaP is a busy busy and dirty place! But I know people are here because of need of jobs and better education. I pray that Your hand will be in the rebuilding of Haiti's infrastructure. May I add my drop to the bucket, but not get frustrated that I can not do more. Well, it's time for bed before a busy day tomorrow!

19/10/10 (2145)

I praise God for another day to live, serve, praise, have compassion, etc. The translators asked me why I smile often, and well I guess the only reason is because God loves me. I am hoping that I can use moments like that as a witness opportunity.

I am finding things to do and finding my place here. The thing that is crazy is living and working in the same spot and not feeling like your off duty. I guess I got used to not working as much at HBS Limbe. I miss the people, food, and workouts at the other place. But all the people would be leaving in December.

I am just trying to make the best of everyday and learning the language. Allow me understanding. I praise You for everything.

20/10/10 (1350)

I praise God for giving me peace, joy, and grace. Even though these 3 things may be simple, it is what's necessary. Myself being “happy” is not/should not be my goal in life. So I am just doing whatever work I can and learning what I can. I have to chuckle because the saying is true “The grass always appears better on the other side.” And I think that looking back things appear better than it actually was. Our mind plays tricks on us.

So I am refocusing on why I am here- and I hope to touch some lives. Well, it's time to open up journal #2 because this one is filled. So that's all for now!

20/10/10 (2300)

I feel all special with this nice new notebook. Lord, today I observed and learned many things. I usually just go with the flow of what is needed after morning rounds. Today, I ended up as triage nurse in the ER (which is more like a clinic than an ER at times). I practiced my listening and speaking skills, as well as taught the one translator how to take vital signs. I enjoy teaching others skills.

I watched the 1-month old baby with pneumonia while the other long term nurse Marc ate lunch. She worked as a NICU nurse for 5 years, so she's very good at it! I spoke with her for awhile. She is in the hospital 11 more months, so I'm hoping we can tag team on things together.

Tonight, we had a family style meal. It was interesting talking to one of the translators, Mac. He said he only knew basic phrases in English before the Earthquake, But, he said after the French and Canadians left Haiti, it was just the Americans. So he taught himself English since this past March. It blows my mind how good he is at it. But he made a comment that struck me. He said (paraphrased) Haiti is dependent on other countries for help because it is a poor country. He thinks that is why the educated people here speak 3-4 languages. He thinks because America is self-sufficient that the is why we really only need to speak our native tongue. His example of learning English is encouraging to me to learn Kreyol. As he said, “Practice makes perfect.”

At times I get discouraged here because we don't have a set work schedule. And it seems the foreigners are not meshing or working together with the Haitians as much. And having short term surgeries is good and bad. The bad is they come in fresh and want to do as much as possible while this is my life for a couple months so I can't be working 50-60 hour weeks.

Apparently another problem is the translators at times are degrading the Haitian doctors and they think that the foreign doctors (and nurses) are better. I hope that mindset changes because we certainty are not. We might have more capability to do things in America, but our doctors are not any smarter or better. They each know how to deal with what diseases & problems they get with whatever capacity they have to deal with it.

But Lord I thank You for providing more spiritual support here. It's late and time for bed!!

Week 6

10/10/10 (0736)

      I am thankful for another week to be alive, healthy, and able to do the work You have asked me to do. I thank God for sleep and a joyful spirit. I pray for wisdom in making my decision to stay here or switch hospitals. I am so thankful for the wonderful time and people I've met here.

      My conversation with Dr. Marvelo has been on my mind. He said they have 4 free immunizations in Haiti. TB, MMR, tetanus, and pertussis. But the other ones, such as hepatitis, typhoid, etc are very expensive. I told him yes they are expensive. I paid at least $300 USD to buy them all. He said most of the doctors here cannot afford the immunizations, but they should have them. I think the conversation struck a cord because I remember complaining to myself back home that I had to pay so much for the immunizations. I was annoyed because my insurance wouldn't cover it. But, at least I was able to get them. It's a reality check to myself that I have no reason to complain.

     He told me there are 4 main sports played in Haiti- soccer, basketball, tennis, and ping-pong. That is because they are the easiest to set up and less costly than some sports. Those of you who know me well know my opinion on the ridiculous amounts of money spent on sports in America. He said they don't have a carnival like other Caribbean Islands, but they have concerts at the end of February for 3 days in PaP. He was saying PaP used to be beautiful and lots to do, but not anymore. I know it has to be hard to see the city you grew up in in rubbles. Also, he said the crime is much worse. He said he can't even talk on his cell phone for fear that someone might steal it at gunpoint.

     I love learning about Haiti and hearing stories. There's a lot of good and bad in every country. I lift up Haiti in prayer- the health care and education system; the upcoming election; the crime; the rebuilding; that your truth will be spread and accepted.

10/10/10 (1600)

      I forgot to mention that there is a secondary school band that practices everyday outside the compound. It is so wonderful to hear them. I loved being in high school marching band. Also, the sound of the rain is great! It rains here almost everyday.

     So I spoke to Shawn and told him of my decision to leave. It was a hard decision because I really will miss the people and countryside. I don't like the craziness of PaP as much, but I want to be where I feel a need. I know Lord that You will continue to provide all that I need.

10/11/10 (0848)

     Sweet Sweet Jesus- How different life would be if I did not accept You as Savior. The choices and life path I would have taken would have been different. I certainty would not be in Haiti. And I would be missing out on a priceless experience.

     Yesterday, I went to church in Limbe with Stella. I saw nurse Jonas there! How wonderful it was to recognize someone. Stella tried to translate for me. She is so good at speaking English- I hope to be that good at Creole! It is a bitter sweet decision to leave because I actually like all my co-workers and the countryside. I am sad and I wish I could fulfill their need better, but I'm at least thankful for the time I've had here. I am slowly telling all the doctors and they are all shocked. I am emphasizing (in truth) that I like them all; it's just that I don't think I can do the job they are asking of me. Stella was especially sad. And I am too. I had to hold the tears back when I told her. She is an amazing person and we could be really good friends.

      We hung out last night- watching movies, listening to compa music, and just talking. I am sad to leave because of the friendship that is forming. But the good part is that her parents live in Carrefour- the same area of PaP that the Adventist Hospital is in. She will be coming back to Carrefour in December for 3 months before starting her residency. So it's tough because I could stay here and get 2 more months with her or 2.5 months with her in Carrefour. Although we won't get to hang out every night in Carrefour. I want to keep my friendship strong with her. We went on our run and did our workout this morning. I'm hoping to find someone to run with at the other place.

     Well, it's time to start my last day here. I'm going to make the best of it. It's actually cooler out today (Stella thought it was cold, but she hasn't experienced a Pennsylvania winter).

10/12/10 (1045)

     Even though it was very hard to say good-bye, I am actually feeling at peace with my situation. I told everyone individually that I was leaving so that they understood why. I think they were shocked and said you did not spend enough time with us, but I think they understood. I was glad to work with Jonas one more day. He is a great man of God doing his community good. He has worked at the hospital 25 years so everyone knows him and he has compassion on them.

     I spent the evening with everyone talking, taking and exchanging pictures, and sharing stories. I was learning about the national holidays in Haiti. There are a lot of Catholic holidays. I guess I didn't think the Catholic Church was dominant in Haiti, but apparently enough to make national holidays. Most of the doctors and nurses do not own a camera, but they enjoy photos as much as we do in America. We even used google earth to see pictures of where each other lived.

     I realized why I love this environment so much. It is like living on a college campus again. I miss that community feeling with people my age. And this place is unique because it is Haitians my age. I woke up early (on my own at 5am), which never happens back home, and I exercised with Stella. We took a tour of the museum that Dr. Hodges made. It has artifacts and the history of the island of Haiti. Apparently schools come there for trips. It was nicely done. I am trying to understand Haiti's history, but it is complex and bias at time depending on the source.

     I got to say good-bye to almost everyone. I love the fact that everyone gives you a kiss on the cheek. I'm a personal person- I love hugs & kisses (on the cheek). I sometimes think some Americans do not like that. It just makes me feel loved!

     The ride over to the airport was great because I learned a lot of things about Haiti from Shawn. Shawn is 26 year old who lived in Africa and France for the first 3 years of his life and then the rest of the time in Haiti except for high school and college in America. He told me that before last year the minimum wage was 70 gourdes per day (a little less than $2 USD per day, NOT per hour). Now it has been raised to 125 gourdes per day ($3 USD per day). But he said the minimum wage is not enforced. They pay their employees by that though. So it just boggles my mind that the majority of Haitians live on $3 USD (equivalent in gourdes) per day. And most things are not cheaper here. He was saying some Haitians get money from their family members working in America. 

      I can't even imagine having a budget of $3 per day for myself, let alone having to support a family. It puts my budget into a whole new perspective. These people have the same basic needs as all of us. Shawn said experienced doctors at their hospital make $1,000 USD per month; but the other employees (cooks, laundry ladies, etc) make $50 USD per month (well they are paid in gourdes but just so you all can get the idea). I was told the number of $3 USD per day is the average wage, but I thought that was a little exaggerated. But it's for real. Oh, and there is no paid vacation or sick time. You don't work, you don't get paid.

     So the money I make in 2 or 3 hours of work in the U.S. is what the average Haitian makes per month. It really puts life, poverty, and what is really necessary in America into perspective. I am now truly going to try to be a better steward of my income. And to think I just spent $60 on overweight fees. I have a long way to go still!

     I am not writing all of this to make anyone feel bad or guilty for how much money you make or how much stuff you have, but just to inform. You can take whatever you want out of it; I'm just telling you the facts and what I'm taking out of it.

     So it was good getting to talk to Shawn. He was telling me that their hospital used to have long-term (1-year) foreign staff in every department working with a Haitian staff. But after Dr. Hodges died, they couldn't really get any foreign staff to volunteer. Paul took over as director when Dr. Hodges nephew did not want to do it anymore, but it really wasn't a job he intended on taking. Shawn said he doesn't really like to be the director, but someone has to do it. So I guess I have changed my opinion and perspective to be that they may care about the place, but never had the intentions to be the directors. And I think because they do not have the medical knowledge like Dr. Hodges, that it makes it even harder. Also, Shawn said they are not getting support fund-raising like they used to, so eventually it might have to shut down.

     Shawn was saying that in 1994 things started going downhill in Haiti. His viewpoint was that the President made some changes that changed Haiti for the worse (and the U.S. Government supported him). For example, the Haitian Military was gotten rid of even though they provided more police work than the Haitian police. Also, the trash pick up was stopped. People also started moving away from their countryside homes and farms and into the cities. So that has caused problems and Shawn said the cities are not as beautiful anymore. In general, people move to the cities for jobs and better education. The same thing happened in America before Suburbia came about. But we can now see all the problems that the suburbs cause too. So I don't know what the best solution is, but all I know is that everyone needs to know the truth about Jesus Christ.

     So, I'm not here to solve political problems or really even get involved in that, but it is good to learn the history and get different viewpoints and perspectives. I think I really am going to get more out of this trip than I can provide. I am feeling more comfortable with trying out speaking Creole. The people love it when I try even if I mess it up. I am really going to work hard at it. I am hoping to maybe come up to Limbe to visit everyone once again before they all separate and go their own ways.

     Oh, and I asked Shawn about all the cars in Haiti. He said most are not-brand new and most people do not own their own car. Almost everything is public transportation. As you can imagine with the salary you could not afford to maintain a car.

10/13/10 (0700)

     I am so thankful for another safe trip! I am feeling more at ease traveling in Haiti. I still am careful of course, especially in PaP. The driver came early to pick me up because I arrived earlier than planned. We sat in the car to wait for the other lady. It was the great thing because I pulled out the book that Stella lent to me to practice and the driver (Richard) had the audio CD for the book!! He had it to learn English, which he speaks well. So it was great to practice that.

     The other lady came and she is great! Denise is from Switzerland and she speaks french. She loved telling stories. She's a psychologist that has been here 5 times already, so it seems all the Haitians were excited to have her back. The people here seem nice- a mix of Haitians and Americans. It's hard though because it's like starting at square one again. I'm hoping to make a friend like Stella. We went to a grocery store (in a building) down the street and I got some food. Well time to start the day!

10/14/10 (0706)

     I am glad to be awake and not have a headache. Yesterday I thought what is going on here (the hospital)- this place seems disorganized too, but after talking to Nathan I am feeling better about it. He said the hospital was not functioning well before the earthquake. Now, they have hired a new Haitian director. The Haitian government mandated every hospital to provide free health care for 6 months, but did not reimburse them.

     Now, they are transitioning back to charging patients and having a mostly Haitian staff. Also, making a better structure and organization. I got an email today from a Christian organization that was providing free health care in mobile clinics saying how they have decided to stop doing that because free medical care by foreigners is now actually hurting Haitian run medical facilities. The Haitians are choosing the free care and the foreign medical personnel over Haitian places. So the Haitian run places that were functioning fairly well are now struggling to stay open.

     So even thought it is still a little chaotic here, I'm going to try to stick it out because I think this hospital is heading in the right direction. I'm just going to have to get out of my “comfort” zone and put myself where there is a need. It might not be floor nursing. This experience will build that aspect of my character.

     The one translator, Kendy, said he is willing to help teach me Creole every night. Now, I am just trying to speak it with people because that's the only way to get better.

     Yesterday, we walked to the Adventist college.. Apparently it was a beautiful campus and great education 20 years ago. It has fallen apart because of poor management. They had a zoo, pool, and mini-golf course. Now, it has a tent city with 15,000 people. We met some people living in the tent city. They invited us into their tent home and we chatted. The doctors gave medical advice. I was excited because I felt like I could understand the gist of the conversation.

     We also went out to a place called “Israel's” to get something to eat, but they only had drinks and very loud music. So I had some juice and we waited out the rain before heading home.

     I am glad that every morning we have a group meeting with a devotional too. I don't want to drift away from God and sharing His love with others.

10/15/10 (0700)

     I have to keep the mindset that I am here to serve in whatever capacity they need so I am willing and have a positive attitude. At times, I am starting to feel confused as to if this really was the place you wanted me to be. I wish I could have visited it first. If I could have a re-do, then I would have just stayed at HBS Limbe until Pastor's wedding. I would have checked out this hospital during the visit with Pastor Robenson. But I made the decision to come, so now I must live with that decision.

     The people are nice, but I'm not sure if I'll make a friend like Stella. But in due time. Friendships take time to form. It truly makes me sad that I had to leave the friendships I was forming, but I have to trust You. You provide all that I need.

     The good part is that I'm not the only volunteer so I have someone to bounce ideas off of and learn the ropes. I am hoping we start up a bible study. I do need some spiritual support. I'll have to see if they have a Pastor or someone to provide spiritual support to the patients.

     So as the saying goes- the grass always seems greener on the other side. Plus, I don't think I was given an accurate description of either place. But, Lord, I am going to do what I can. I'm here to learn, serve, grow, experience, etc so I am going to make the best of it. I truly do love Haiti and the people.

10/16/10 (1740)

      I am so grateful for this Sabbath day. A time to rest, reflect, and fellowship. Lord, You know me and what is best for me so much better than I know myself. You are so righteous and glorious. I am just a speck, but You are Alpha and Omega. I need to humble myself and my life.

     My emotions and feelings go all over the place right now. One minute, I tell myself I'm just going to make it work here. The next minute, I get myself discouraged that I made the wrong choice. So, Lord, I have no idea what I'm doing and if I'm making the right or wrong choice, so please guide me.

     I won't be as effective if I keep switching around. While it is nice to make connections and see different things in Haiti, I'd like to have the consistency and I'd like to be the most effective. I think the thing I'm most sad about here is not having a Haitian female friend. Stella told me to try and I will make friends. But, there are not as many Haitian females that speak English. The guy translators are great in helping me learn the language, but it's not the same. I also miss the Haitian style meals. And the morning work-outs!

      I am learning things at work- putting in IV's successfully! But there seems to be an over-abundance of nurses here too. So Lord, I just don't know what to do. Sometimes I think I am what is wrong with me. It's just hard because I couldn't visit the places before volunteering. Both the places want to improve the nursing care, but I just don't know how to go about doing that. I feel so powerless. It feels out of my comfort zone. It's good to get out of your comfort zone though, I know. I'm good at getting out of my comfort zone in terms of living/making friends/etc but not work I guess :)

     I had a good time at church with Denise and Kendy. It was children's service, so the kids were dressed very nicely in white and red. It was great to hear them sing and pray. I then took a much needed nap. I also took a much needed time talking with God. How easy it is to grow apart from God. I tend to try to figure things out for myself and not spend enough time with God. It is hard because I want to go to church with the Haitians, but I can't learn much since I can't understand most of it.

     I need to re-evaluate why I am here- to share my nursing skills and the gospel, learn the language, and just experience the culture and people. But Lord, I can't except to feel happy all the time, but I can have joy all the time. I think I might just be selfish at times. I want to get out and experience Haiti, but I need to not be selfish with my time and money. Look at how little many of the Haitians have.

     All in all, I would just like to have a good female friend here. It's hard to make a genuine friendship! Well, I lift all of this up to our Maker. I need to focus my mission on sharing God's love through my gifts & talents. It's funny because you go on a missions trip thinking you will be so focused, but it is far to easy to get side-tracked. So I just need to refocus myself. Lord, please guide Your confused child. Help me not to be so selfish, but do what I can for others each day. No matter where I am and what I am doing. I pray all these things in Christ Jesus name, Amen.

Week 5

10/3/10 (0951)

      It was so wonderful to walk to church with brother Tiga yesterday. And to see the church packed (about 300 people or more) at 9am ready for church! I even saw someone bring her own chair. I was squeezed in tight with some females about my age. Everyone around was friendly, even though we could not communicate too much. They gave the hymnal in french to me to try to sing along. The Pastor spoke some English, so he had me stand up and introduce myself to everyone. He told me to tell my Church back home that they are keeping the word of God in Haiti.

      I think it was funny because the few words I knew were said often. “tout moun” (Everybody) was said a bunch of times. I guess you don't notice how often words are said in your native language, but you do when you only understand a couple words. Brother Tiga showed me his house and I met his family. Li gason (his son) is in medical school. He is such a friendly guy. It was neat walking through Limbe. It's not overcrowded and congested like PaP. The pace is much more relaxed. It was my first time out of the compound in one week, so that was nice!

      I was exhausted, so I took a 2 hour nap, read, and spoke to Wilshaw. It was a much needed “hang-out” time for us. As much as I love being in Haiti, I am really looking forward to coming home and marrying Wilshaw in the next year or two. Being here has confirmed that. I don't feel like I'm being led to long term missionary nursing at this time in my life. If God would lead Wilshaw and I to serve in Haiti in the future (as a married couple), then I'd definitely go. I'd like to stay actively involved in Haiti. That is the beauty of Haiti being close to the states.

      It's been almost 4 weeks that I've been in Haiti. It's almost hard to believe that it has been that long. I still wish I could speak and understand the language better...but in due time. I'm not sure what the work is going to be like this week, Lord, but I pray for direction, guidance, and protection. I want to be Jesus hands, feet, eyes, & mouth in Haiti. I know God is at work in my life. I lift up prayer requests for Haiti, friends, and family in Jesus name.


10/5/10 (0804)

      Lord, I need You to give me wisdom, better understanding, and guidance. I'm not sure what is going on here. It is very frustrating at times, so I pray that You will let me know what I should be doing and where I should be. I think you were teaching me all those lessons to trust You because You foresaw what was going to happen.

      It didn't go over well telling Paul and Shawn yesterday that I'm not sure if it's working out here for me. It was a hard conversation to swallow and it left me upset. I spoke with the American coordinator at the Adventist Hospital (who has been here 5 months). She is going to get back to me today or tomorrow. I know we were granted freedom of choice, so Lord, You're not going to make the decision for me. I just pray that it will be clear which is the best choice.

     I appreciate all the people I've met here and I hope they know it is nothing they did. It's hard because I came to Haiti thinking there is so much need, but I'm left here at this hospital feeling un- useful, confused, and frustrated at times. But, I'm working on just going with the flow and doing what I can. There is no need to get frustrated. Well, it's time to start the day. I have to lift my day up to you Christ.

10/7/10 (0800)

      It is wise of me to spend time with God every morning. I spent much longer watching T.V. with the girls last night- although it was nice being around them. I am really thankful for this time with Stella. If I feel that You are calling me to the other hospital, then I will go. Maybe You brought me here just to interact with Stella and Tanise. I'm not sure Lord, but I will miss them. 
 

     The evenings are wonderful, but I'm still not seeing how to go about doing what they want me to do in terms of work. I can't decide what it is. If I'm limiting my own ability or I'm not meant to be here. I just pray for peace over the choice I make. 

      Two more things that Nurse Jonas did that nurses do not do back home- a paracentesis (draining excess fluid from the abdominal cavity) and he cut off an extra skin flap attached to a baby's finger. I braced myself for that one because I knew that blood was going to go flying. Jonas is great to me. I broke down crying on Tuesday and he was very understanding. He told me I was his right hand and that he needed me. He gave me lessons on Tuesday and that was great. I am starting to understand the sentence structure now, but I still have a hard time listening because everyone speaks so fast.

10/8/10 (0855)

      Wonderful Savior, You are so worthy to be praised. Your thoughts and ways are never evil. How I long for the day when no more sin exists. But until that day, you ask of me to trust and obey. The Adventist Hospital in PaP would like to take me and I'm feeling at peace with it. I'm very thankful for the people I've met here- the morning workouts with Stella; Creole lessons; singing songs in English; watching the Spanish channel and movies in French. Visiting the local church. Meeting all the wonderful workers here. I will cherish these moments greatly. “I'll give you a ride home,” is what the girls would say when they wanted to walk me home.

      I hope You will guide them Lord, especially Stella and Papiyon (the ones that have told me they are Christian). It's hard sometimes to do what You ask of us because it makes us different and there are places/things we know we can't do. It's difficult at times, so I pray for them.

      I have learned a lot from Jonas- putting an IV in; giving an IV (intravenous) shot with just a syringe and needle; Draining abscesses; Helping him with paracentesis and suturing; How to use the respirator (it sounds crazy but the hospital I worked in back in Pittsburgh has an IV team and a respiratory team so I couldn't remember how to do these things because I haven't done it since nursing school); his willingness to teach me Creole.

      I hope everyone will understand that I am not leaving because I didn't like them. I really liked the co-workers, but I'm not seeing myself fulfilling what the directors want me to do. I struggle with wanting to please people, instead of focusing on pleasing God so that might be why I feel bad about leaving. God obviously brought me here for a reason, but maybe it wasn't where I was supposed to be.

10/8/10 (2030)

      I am so thankful for the end to another week and a day of rest, fellowship, and worship. Lord, I thank You for this time at HBS Limbe and the wonderful people that I've met. I am sad to leave them, but after speaking with nurse Joy yesterday I've made my decision to go to the Adventist Hospital. Joy is about 50 years old- she came to volunteer at this hospital 25 years ago and she stayed for 1 year. She said it was an amazing experience and she learned so much from Dr. Hodges. But she came back in March after the earthquake this year and she said the hospital has fallen apart. It made her really sad. She said that even though she spoke Creole, she got frustrated at times because management was poor. She said she doesn't want to make any waves, but she thinks this won't be the best place for me. She doesn't think they're set up for foreign nurse volunteers anymore. She gave me the name of a Doctor here in Haiti that lives in the University Seminary that she thinks I should try to talk too. She said he knows most of the health care system around this area in Haiti. So I'm hoping to get the chance to talk to him.

      The Adventist Hospital in PaP said they could use me in the orthopedic clinic, helping take daily census, and organizing the supplies. There is one volunteer room left for me. I like being outside of PaP, but I need to go where I'll learn the most and be the most useful. It's so funny because last week I just wanted to leave this hospital, but now I'm sad to leave because I've made friends with the people. Because You have blessed me thus far, I know You will continue to do so in PaP.

      Oh today, the patient that I got the HIV positive blood facial splash was brought into the clinic hand-cuffed and with 4 police officers & UN police to get his sutures removed. I don't really know what he did, but I don't see why the needed 4 officers. Even back home the prisoners (including the murderers) only come with 2 security guards per prisoner.

      Sometimes I feel like I am making progress at Creole, and other times I get discouraged. I get discouraged at meal times because they speak so fast. I'm not going to lie, it was nice being able to communicate tonight at dinner with the Canadian volunteer. It's not that I don't enjoy being around all the Haitians, it's just taxing when you're trying so hard to understand and you don't even have a clue what they're talking about. I can pick up on random words, but not enough to know the topic. The only topic I've picked up on is “facebook.” Oh dear...it's universal.

      They said at the Adventist Hospital compound that no Haitians live on the compound, so I am going to miss these evenings. There is pluses and minuses to everything/everywhere in life. I pray that You, Lord, Will provide some Haitian female friends. I lift up my old nursing floor (in Pittsburgh) up to You tonight, Lord. Apparently lots of nurses and aides are leaving, so they are understaffed and working unsafely at times. It was already stressful before, so I can't imagine it now. So I guess I can't complain about my “slow” days here.


10/9/10 (2215)

      I am so thankful for this wonderful Sabbath day. A day to rest and spend time in nature. It was such a joy to drive through Your creation- how beautiful it is. Besides the litter (which is not nearly as bad as PaP) and past deforestation of the mountains, the land is untainted out here in the country. Just cement houses in the middle of it. People don't drive as crazy up here. We drove from Limbe to Sho-Sho-Bay (not sure if the spelling is right). I think it's because it was mostly motorcycles on the road. We took 12 people in the pickup truck. I sat in the back on a little bench they added. It's funny because back home I would never do that, but that was my only option. It was fine though. Our driver drove safely despite the unpaved road and large potholes filled with dlo (water). It gave me a great view on the 1 hour drive.

      The beach was absolutely beautiful- soft sand, crystal blue water, and the mountains all around. The water was warm, but it felt wonderful. There is something unique about going to a local Haitian beach that you won't find at a resort. We swam, walked along the beach, and even got to ride in a wooden boat. Oh, by the way it was the director Shawn, a doctor, the other Canadian volunteer, 2 orphan boys, and 4 other boys that are between the ages of 13-17 that went on the trip. The oldest boy spoke some English, so he was practicing with me. It was funny watching the boys sing when we were in the ocean.

      Later on in the day, more Haitians came. It was the spot to be; Drummers and people dancing. The boys were saying to me “Gade” (Watch). I also used my Spanish today when a man was asking for money or food. I told him “No tengo dinero o comida,” which was the truth. I've had a couple Haitians ask me for money, but not too many.

      The other volunteer (who is here for 1 week. She's been here many times and comes to help out in the orphanage) brought toy cars that she handed out. The kids loved it. It was fun watching them. The three orphan boys (Reese, Givenson, and I'm blanking on the other name), loved the ocean. They are between the ages of 4-6. Except Reese doesn't like the car and he got car sick. We had sandwiches and sugar cane for lunch. I still haven't mastered the best way to enjoy the sugar cane. I think it's because I just grew up with refined sugar and didn't have to work that hard for it!

      Our ride back was interesting because it started down pouring rain. The driver took out a tarp for us, which all 10 of us proceeded to squeeze together in about a 4'X5' space to get under the tarp that we held over our heads. We were all cramped, but no one was complaining. At least we stayed dry. I didn't think I would have as much culture shock  when I come back to America this time in February, but I realized today that I will. I feel adjusted to Haitian culture and way of life. I'm still learning though!

      All in all, it was just a wonderful day to share with others. Even though my skin is burnt (even with 50 SPF sunscreen), it was worth the day. At dinner, the doctors pointed out my “1st-degree” burn and I said “yes, I know that is the problem with white skin.” I spoke with Dr. Marvelo for awhile after dinner (about sports, festivals, residency, etc ) and then hung out with the ladies. We practiced Creole. I know I need to try harder on learning my Creole. It's just hard sometimes.

Week 4

9/26/10 (0911)

     Something about the simplicity of my room, not knowing anyone, and not having internet gives me quality time to focus on God, to reflect on myself, and change what is not right. I am thankful to have God as my rock because I could be nervous and overwhelmed right now not knowing anyone who can speak fluent English. But, I know that God is with me so I am not going to feel lonely.

     It's funny because back home I always felt like I had a never ending to do list, but here I do not. I guess since I do not have to cook, grocery shop, pay bills, do the laundry, clean, etc that frees up a lot of time during the week. I am very thankful and fortunate to have such giving parents that are willing to manage my bills while I am here. I don't think I could have done this trip without that. There are so many wonderful people in my life that have made this trip possible and I thank you all. I hope you know that I am making the best out of this missions trip as I can.

     One side note (OK, I know I have a lot of side notes): I have been told that the men are more domineering and forward here. Apparently most male doctors will not take suggestions from female nurses, but I have not encountered this yet (except the men have been extra complimentary). Also, I have noticed that it's only the males that ride on top of buses & hang off the side. They let the women have the safer seats.

     Well, I am going to venture out to see when and where I am eating. I suppose I'll spend the day reading and practicing Creole. I am actually comfortable today (not sweating up a storm). I was told it is slightly cooler up here. There does seem to be more trees.

     Oh, I think I forgot to mention when we were driving to the airport in PaP, that there were lots of metal signs fallen. Apparently there really was a tornado and a couple people died (5 is the number I heard) in PaP. I'm not sure if there is a storm watcher in Haiti like in America, so I don't think people have time to prepare their houses and get somewhere safe.


9/26/10 (2120)

     I do not know why I was so worried that I would not fit in here. I know You, Lord, taught me yesterday to trust You and that's what I need to continue to do. I'll admit, I was frustrated at lunch because there was no translation to what everyone was saying. I got myself discouraged. Talking to my family, Emmy, & Wilshaw did lift my spirits.
  
     But, You have already answered my prayers. The two Haitian female doctors want to practice their English and help me with Creole every night, which is what I wanted. They have a book with Creole, English, french phrases with an Audio CD. It has everyday phrases & words.

     I went to dinner with them- it was a delicious oatmeal drink and bread/butter. We hung out and watched music videos. It is a little crazy how much American entertainment is listened to and watched in other countries. We really do influence the world. We listened to a little of everything- gospel, R&B, French songs, & contemporary Christian music. I almost felt like I was back home tonight. All the 3 doctors I have met are under 30. They are all doing their social service year to the government. I haven't met a Haitian Doctor over the age of 32 yet, but we'll see what tomorrow brings.

9/27/10 (2210)

     Our lives are just a tiny speak compared to what God has created, history, present & future. May that help me to put my life in perspective. This morning started with not knowing when breakfast was again and not knowing when and what I was supposed to be doing. The lady, Sandra, was supposed to give me an orientation but instead just put me with the translator nurse Jonas in the clinic. I started a dressing change with him, but in the middle of that he took me to work with the clinic Doctor Karry Felix.

     So I'm not sure exactly what I'll be doing here but I'm taking it as a week of orientation. Karry is 26 years old and doing his year of social service after medical school before he can do his surgery residency. He taught me a lot today- medically and helping with the language. I helped him place a cast, which I've never done before. He told me his mom is a nurse so he has a lot of respect for nurses. You could tell because we talked about patient's cases on an equal level and he actually took some of my advice.

     At dinner, it was all in Creole! Well, everyone says the best way to learn the language is immersion in the culture, even though for awhile it is going to be frustrating & taxing on my brain. I like all the doctors and nurses so I enjoyed myself. It seems there are 4 or 5 doctors doing their social service; one OB/GYN Doctor, and 2 other general practitioner doctors that run the hospital & clinic. (I still think they are all under 35 years old). There is a maternity ward, adult medical ward, & pediatric ward as well as the day-time clinic. There are surgery teams that come 4 or 5 times per year to do major surgeries.

     Sandra told me I'd work in the clinic until my Creole is sufficient to do it on my own; but I'll have to talk to Shawn (the American director) when he gets here because that could take the entire 5 months. I don't expect to advance medically here, but I just want to feel useful. Living in another country and learning another language is something I've always wanted to do. It didn't work out during nursing school, so I'm doing it now using my nursing and love for God.

     I spent 1 hour tonight practicing my Creole. I'm enjoying eating Haitian food. I'm the only American on the compound right now, but I'm making friends so it doesn't bother me. Well, it's time for a good nights rest to get rid of this cold!

9/29/10 (2215)

     It's been a rough couple days. I know Your hand, Lord, is on this trip, so speak to me. Let me know what I am supposed to be doing. I like Haiti and the people here, but I don't see how I'm supposed to go about what they want me to do. Shawn came today and told me I would be on the medical ward, but I won't have a translator. Jonas will give me lessons two times a week that should be sufficient for me to work on the wards. They want me to improve their nursing care by working on the medical ward. But, there are a couple problems: The chart is in french and most of the nurses do not speak any English. So I don't know how this is going to work out. He wants me to fill in the gaps- things that aren't being done. But if I can't ask the nurses or read the charts, how do I know what gaps to fill in?

     I guess the doctors complain because the nursing care is not very good- orders are not being done; medications are not given when they are supposed to be given; nurses are not working the hours they are supposed to. So there are a couple hours each day that no nurse is watching the patients. Which is a little crazy- if this happened back home that hospital would be shut down in a heartbeat.

     I'm just frustrated because I don't understand how they want to help when I can't read the doctors notes & I can't communicate with the nurses or patients. I see what the problem & goal is, but I'm not sure how to go about it and if I'm the right person for the job. It's hard to ask someone from another country to take a role like this without a translator. He told me not to tell the nurses my reason for being there (to improve the nursing care) because they will make my stay miserable. But they're not dumb. They'll figure it out. Shawn said this is what they do with all nurse volunteers, so I'm driving myself crazy wondering if there is something wrong with me that I feel incapable.

     It's hard Lord, because I want to trust You. I'm just so confused and frustrated that I don't know how to go about doing my job. I feel useless. So, Lord, please guide me with all aspects- the where/what/when/how. I feel completely out of control so I need You to take complete control.

     The Haitian doctors are very nice (and they all speak some English), so that's not the problem. Shawn, the director, said you have to win the Haitians respect by knowing what you're doing. They don't care what certificates you have. How's that's going to happen because I don't know what I'm doing. It's been a long 3 days.

     I'm trying to stay open to this being where you want me to be. I'd feel bad if it doesn't work out here, but I can't stay if it is like this for 5 months. So, I did email the Adventist Hospital in PaP to see if they would still need a nurse.

     So this place has a clinic, medical ward, pediatric ward, and maternity ward. Each wards holds 10-20 patients and there is supposed to be 1-2 nurses per ward. There are 10 doctors on staff (5 full time staff and 5 social service doctors). They take turns on call to the wards and they all work in the clinic (except the OB-GYN). The patients have to pay for everything (medications, lab tests, etc) before it can be done. They even send the family with the slip of supplies needed (such as IV's) to pay for the IV's before we can put them in. They occasionally do credit for emergencies when the patient cannot pay at that time.

     They have an orphanage of disabled children that came about because of Haitians leaving their unwanted disabled children at the clinic. It's taboo to have disabled children, and there are no programs for special needs children in Haiti.

     Nurse Jonas does things nurses can't do back home- suture; drain large abscess, remove cast, etc. It's probably not the best that I don't have experience in putting IV's in. But I don't how I would have fit that into my nursing day back at my other job! There are 2 surgery rooms for when the surgery teams come in. That part of the hospital is protected by a big dog. There are lots of small & medium size dogs in Haiti, but no big dogs. The dogs on the compound are friendly and they like when I pet them. Even the big dog was friendly, but apparently the Haitians are scared of him. He was attacked once with a machete and has a huge scar down his face & neck. Poor dog!

     I'm finally getting over my cold so that has been nice. I am slowly getting a better orientation. My Haiti phone ran out of minutes, so I will have to add more tomorrow. I'm still learning how to use it. You add money and it's about 5 goudes/minute (that's about 10 cents/minute). There's no free nights & weekends!

09/30/10 (0742)

     I am so thankful for a peaceful nights rest and waking up feeling refreshed. I am refusing to start the day frustrated, but just rely on God today. There is no other way to get through the day. None of the phones and internet is working today (maybe the monthly allowance has been used up), so You are all that I have right now. That is good because You are the one I should be seeking first.

     It's so funny when you ask God for something, because He may do it and then you realize it's not what you thought it would be. I thought 6C (my nursing job in Pittsburgh) was overwhelmingly busy at times, and now I feel like I have nothing to contribute/it's not busy enough; and it's just as frustrating. I wanted to be around more of the Haitian culture, food, & language. I do like being around it, but it is taxing at times not to understand the conversations at meal times and during the day.

      The female doctors are still working with me to learn Creole in the evenings and next week I start lessons 2 nights per week with Nurse Jonas. Well, it's time to start the day. Jesus, be my driver.

10/1/10 (0800)

     I gave it my best yesterday working with the  Haitian nurses in the medical ward, even though they don't speak any English. I helped with the vital signs and a dressing change. I rounded on one patient with the doctor (all the doctors speak some English), so I felt like I could care for this patient well. She was in congestive heart failure and needed more lasix. I still felt like I didn't do much, but so it will have to be for now. I'm doing what I can under the circumstances.

     I spoke with Amy at the Adventist Hospital in PaP and she is going to get back to me about a need for me in their hospital. So I've decided not to worry about it, but let You work it out in the right time.

     I really enjoyed my evening last night with Stella. We spent 45 minutes practicing creole; we spoke in English for an hour getting to know each other better (they want the practice too); and then we watched the Spanish channel with English subtitles. The evenings make up for the confusing days. It's always nice to talk to Wilshaw at the end of the day too.

     There is one male doctor (Dwight) who would say good morning/good evening to me but nothing else; so I wasn't sure what to make of it. Well then I was sitting in the nurses lounge yesterday and he came in and spoke to me in English for about 20 minutes! I knew all the doctors have to speak some English (they need to speak English to go to medical school is what I was told), but I wasn't sure why he never spoke to me (all the other doctors have). He was nice and spoke English well. I guess he was just sizing me up before letting on the fact that he speaks & understands English well. The other doctors said he is a quiet person anyway. He told me he spends time reading English books. Well time for breakfast...I'm trying to be timely because Shawn asked me too. The Haitian culture is not timely (man I would fit in here well because I am not a timely person either ;)


10/1/10 (1305)

     I went to bed way too late last night! I wish I had time for a nap. It is a good thing that I love rice & beans because that is what we have everyday for lunch. In Haiti, they eat a big breakfast (usually soup or pasta) and lunch (rice & beans, meat dish, & veggies). And then for dinner, it is a small meal (an oatmeal drink & bread). So our dinners in America are like their breakfast & our breakfast in America is like their dinner. Maybe that is better though?

     I also think that my clothes are cleaned a lot better here by hand than back home using the washing machine. The laundry ladies are good and very friendly.

     I rounded on all 5 patients this morning (vital signs, assessment & I gave the one medication that I knew needed to be given). And then I charted (I really do only chart by exception here.) I hope the doctors can understand it. Medical abbreviations are different here. Like TA is blood pressure (tansyon) and they don't measure it in mmHG. So a blood pressure back home of 110/90 mmHg is written 11/9 cmHg. I had to get used to that because it's different!

    There were 3 nurses for 5 patients so I knew they didn't need my help. Back home I take care of 5 or 6 patients by myself and that's all they need here too, so I helped in the clinic doing dressing changes and I assisted the doctor with a thoracentesis (draining fluid out of the lung by sticking a needle through the rib cage into the lung and aspirating it out). So, I'm not sure what to do with myself this afternoon because there are only 3 patients in the ward, so we don't need 3 nurses. It's so crazy but I realized I'd rather be steady busy at work. I can't stand not having anything to do for long periods of time. It's good to have breaks, but not such long ones.

10/1/10 (1745)

     Well, Lord, I always say that everything happens for a reason. Some reasons we may never know or understand. Jonas was teaching me to suture a guys scalp laceration today. I couldn't get the licodaine to go in, so I stood back and let him do it. Out of a true mishap (and I wasn't even leaning over the patient), when he was pushing the lidocaine into the bloody tissue, it sprayed on my face. It happened so fast that I'm not sure if it got in my eyes. So I washed my eyes out well, but I still wanted to have the guy tested for HIV.

     Let me tell you, it was probably one of the worst feelings as I stood over the lab technician doing the test when he told me the patient was positive for HIV (and he checked it two times). I didn't really know how to feel- but I wasn't mad. It was a mishap, not an intentional mistake, so there was no reason to be mad. I don't even know if this young man knows he has HIV, probably not. And, I guess they don't bother telling him. Although looking back I think he should have been told so he can learn about the disease & learn what he has to do so not to spread it. But of course I wasn't thinking the mostly clearly after being told he was HIV positive.

     Earlier this week I was told by a doctor that one of the patients was admitted for lethargy and infection. He ended testing positive for HIV, but they did not tell the patient or family. They were going to send the patient to a nearby hospital that has a HIV clinic. They said sometimes the patients do not respond well when they are told they have HIV, so they decided not to tell him yet.

     After consulting 2 trusted medical professionals, I was told the transmission rate is only about 01.% for an eye splash so it is not recommended to take the HIV prophylactic medications. I'll just get HIV testing at 6 weeks, 3 months, & 6 months. And I've decided that I can't worry about it because I could drive myself crazy worrying about it. I just have to continue doing what I'm here to do- and maybe go above and beyond the standard precautions since the HIV rate is so high.

    So, I'm glad for this weekend to have off (and though I don't felt I did too much). I'm thankful for God's protection, wisdom, and strength.